On this day of remembrance that we wish we didn’t have to have, I still remember and am still thankful for all those who fought for lives that day. And there’s still so many questions that may not be answered this side of heaven about it all. Today must be a day that I have questions on my mind. Maybe because the frailty of that day, of our country now and my heart recently. But today questions just poured in (or out) and with my heart beating a little faster, I’m shaking a little to keep typing…even more to click “Publish”.
Lord, what is this ambiguous feeling I have these days where I feel like I NEED to do something but I DON’T KNOW what it is? It feels like I’m blindfolded and playing that childhood birthday party game Pin the Tail on the Donkey where you can hardly see a thing, yet try to peek through the crack of the bandana to get at least a glimpse that you’re possibly going in the right direction but still getting way off the mark.
Yet in this time in my life called adulthood, maybe I’ve matured a little bit and it would be better to call this game “Nail the Questions on the Cross”.
These questions that suddenly poured out of me today are all over the board and I just hope to make at least one of the marks right square in the heart that will win the prize of an answer.
What am I supposed to be doing?
Am I doing it now and don’t realize it?
But why do I have this anxious feeling like I’m missing some point…or I’m about to hit it square on?
It just feels like there’s something MORE.
Why did I take what I learned the past 18 years and just tuck it safe and sound only for me to know in my journal book, notebooks, scrap pieces of paper, and scribbles and highlights in my bible and books by Christian authors?
Why have I kept my mouth shut?
Why haven’t I done more to serve You?
Why haven’t I been bold enough to speak out?
Have You wanted me to be that way to prepare me? Or have I been wasting time?
What are the important things I’ve learned through the past 20 years that I can use for You?
How do I have the time to go back and find a pattern, or the milestones, or ah-ha God Moments when I’m trying to juggle pre-teenagers activities, a part time job, to-do lists and answering bible study questions?
Am I doing what You want me to be doing? (have I already asked this question?)
How do I balance and manage my time?
What do you want me to do with my blog or writing?
Why do I have so many questions? Have they just been building up?
Will you ever answer them all? Have I asked too many?
Why is it sometimes hard to believe the impossible is possible?
Why do ones dear to my heart, and even those I don’t know, have to suffer so much? (Please give some relief to them!)
Am I just going to have to wonder forever?
Wonder can be beautiful but it can also be frustrating when you don’t know the answers NOW – or especially when you’ve been waiting for months or even years.
What am I don’t right? What am I doing wrong?
What do you want me doing NOW? (OK, I think I’ve asked this three times now…)
Do I need to be sitting here waiting to hear the answers to those questions or jump into doing something by a leap of faith? If that’s what You want me to do, I’d like at least some direction of where to start, please.
He quietly answers:
Your kingdom must fall…including the wall around it that you’ve been adding bricks to each day for years.
So that’s the one that hit the nail on the cross heart.
I’d be humbled for you to share some questions you’re asking yourself and God so I can lift you up in prayer about them. Do you have one of the same questions I do or different ones? Feel free to comment below!